Man oh Man

TV Buddies

I don't know if you've noticed but there are an awful lot of shows on television today that feature male characters bonding with other male characters. And I don't mean like the type of male bonding that took place in the Wedding Crashers but guys who have developed real relationships with each other where they can discuss things one tier more advanced than the typical superficial male banter. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of stereotypical male banter on shows like How I Met Your Mother (another show that I like) but it's somewhat refreshing to see these fictional men evolve. Surely that means men will eventually get credit for evolving in the real world as well.

At any rate, in the October 26 edition of USA Today, they ran a cover story in their Life section looking at this new change.

It's a trend: best-friends men. Heterosexual buddies. Close chums. Sitcom guys don't have to just sit around drinking beer and watching football. They can talk. They can share. They can be intimate — emotionally.

"The whole culture of masculinity is changing, and changing quite radically from the days when John Wayne and the Lone Ranger were the top images of what it meant to be male," says Judith Sherven, a relationship expert and author of several books with her husband, Jim Sniechowski, also a relationship expert. He says it's an outgrowth of the feminist movement. She says it's a breaking down of barriers.

"There aren't rigid sex-role stereotypes that govern everyone's behavior anymore," she says, adding that women always have comfortably had friends, and now TV characters are reflecting men's freedom to express themselves with their friends.

"Now men are open to the fact that this is certainly within the realm of being masculine. It doesn't mean they're acting like women. They're following a human instinct, and there aren't the prohibitions against it."

Interestingly, I tend to watch most of the shows that are featured in the article. I don't think it's because I find them more relatable (although you never know how the subconscious works) but they actually tend to be well-written shows. Maybe talent actually does see a societal trend and can creatively use that while hacks fall back on stereotypes. I guess that hypothesis is still in test.

Read the entire article here.

Manners

Sometimes something I read just strikes me as incredibly smart and useful in its simplicity. The most recent article to fit that bill is published in this month's Details magazine.

More sage advice from Julian Niccolini, co-owner of the Four Seasons restaurant.

On toasts:
"Don't make a speech before one glass of wine, or after four. And keep it sweet. People are always trying to make jokes when they toast, and they just wind up sounding like insults.

On crying at work:
Maybe if your father dies. Otherwise, no way. If some bastard fires you, don't cry. Yell.

On dressing for bad weather:
A cheap umbrella is a nasty thing. Buy two nice ones - one for your home and one to keep at your office. Get a third in case someone beautiful ever wants to borrow it. And if your shoes are Italian, never wear them in the rain or snow. If they are from some other country, do whatever you like.

The Power of Good Handshake

It's possible that I've always underestimated what a good handshake can actually do for me. In the October issue of Esquire, Tom Chiarella offers his point-of-view in the article "The Art of the Handshake":

A perfunctory gesture? Hardly. It defines you. It defines the exchange.

Truth be told, a man who has a good handshake can do any goddamned thing he wants. I'm not saying he will; I'm saying he can. He can work a room—one person to the next, shaking with strangers, with old colleagues, with huge men and tiny women alike—with his hand. People remember him; they listen to him. Men like this are followed.

The good handshake demands a particularly strong command of several divergent elements of influence in a single gesture, in one smallish moment, in order to connect with a person whom (presumably) you have never met before. Think of the components: a swift, elegant movement toward the waiting hand, wise use of the eyes, the considered grip strength, even the rhythm of the shake is important. All that and you have to speak, too; you have to be engaged enough to muster a question, remember a name, acknowledge some common experience while you grip, shake, and release.

Later in the article, he goes on to explain his new technique and what he learned it can do for him. Although, I must admit that I don't fully understand the technique he describes. Maybe that's why I'm not a giver of good handshake.

What I think is interesting is that I've never seen or heard of anyone teaching the art of handshaking. Nor do I know of anyone who learned his technique from his father. I just kind of fell into something that felt comfortable to me and went with it. With so many etiquette and self-help books on the market, surely there has to be something. Or maybe it's a way for someone with more vision than I have to actually make a buck here and there.

Is This a Good Idea?

From this morning's Wall Street Journal:

Dismayed by a rash of affairs and divorces among acquaintances, Gloria and Bryan Mahan, of Cerritos, Calif., made an agreement before marrying each other three years ago: If either of them felt attracted to someone else, he or she would tell the other partner immediately.

Instead of waiting until after spouses stray and then attempting damage control, therapists and marriage educators are urging couples to build trust upfront by acknowledging the possibility of cheating and heading it off through explicit spoken or written agreements.

One bonus, couples say, is that telling your spouse about an extramarital desire tends to quash it. When Mr. Laurent talked with his wife about workplace temptations, he says, "all of a sudden, that power, that pull, was gone in a flash. When you shine the light on something, then the darkness goes away. It has no choice."

In general, I guess this seems like an admirable idea in that you give your spouse the chance to address whatever it is in your relationship that might be encouraging you to stray - if it is something that can be addressed. On the other hand, it's a contract that's agreed upon by both you and your wife. I'm wondering how many folks would actually act upon the agreement in the first place. Afterall, we all know that marriage in and of itself is a contract. If you are willing to break that one by having an affair are you really going to keep your word on this one?

I admit I'm a cynic. I'm wondering what you might think.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

From yesteday's New York Post, comes the article "Your Lays Are Numbered."

TO a woman, size does matter. But it's not the size you're thinking of. What women really care about is the length of the list of former lovers, which is usually either too many or too, too many. No matter how sexually liberated (or liberally sexual), most women believe that the number of guys they've had sex with (the average being somewhere between 7.2 and 10.5, depending on the survey) really does count.

"I've had nine sexual partners, but I tell my boyfriend that I've only had three," she says. "I don't count some of them since they only happened once, and why should I risk him telling him and having him think I'm easy when I can tell him otherwise?"

This article begs the question, do you ask? And, if so, what is it that you are trying to establish? My guess is that if you are really into her, the answer probably will have no effect on you at all. If you aren't that in to her, you'll break up at some point anyway so why bother?

My suggestion? Since she's probably going to tell you only what she thinks you want to hear, picture a number in your head that you think is acceptable. Then convince yourself that this girl has been with that number or fewer.

Rules to Live By?

I was checking out netscape.com this morning and found a site that has posted the rules for women to learn in order to better live with men. And a separate post of the woman's code. Both of which I thought were interesting and humorous looks at the male-female relationship. Some of my favorites:

From the guy's perspective

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

And from the women

When your man asks you what's wrong, say "Nothing." However, when Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura asks you, go into excruciating detail. Leave nothing out.

You're under no obligation to tell the truth when asked the number of your sexual partners.

Men love a woman who's good in bed. But not the first time they go to bed with her.

George Clooney?

Seth, the co-worker who asked who my ultimate man's man was, sent me this report from CNN.com.

George Clooney is the No. 1 man's man, according to a list compiled by AskMen.com.

The Oscar winner tops the Web site's list of what it calls the 49 best representatives of the male gender. Rap mogul Jay-Z, adventurer-entrepreneur Richard Branson, cyclist Lance Armstrong and designer Tom Ford make up the rest of the top five, in order.

Color me skeptical when also on the list are: Quentin Tarantino, Howard Stern and Justin Timberlake. Nothing against those guys but I'm sticking with Josh Holloway.

See the full list here.

Or, You Could Just Treat Her Like an Equal

Our society just isn't based on moderation. Clearly, we as a people, have a hard time differentiating between shades of gray. So when it comes to politics we have the staunch conservatives pandering to the religious right and the flaming liberals catering to the lowest common denominator. And so it goes   between the battle of the sexes.

I think we all agree that the masculinity pendulum has been swinging wildly from side to side for several years now. And maybe it's because we view this as a battle for power between us and women. At least that appears to be the attitude of some men. Askmen.com issued the Rules for the New Menaissance this morning and, I seem to agree with the premise but really disagree with the proposed solution. For the life of me, I just don't see how we accomplish anything by downgrading the opposite sex.

For years, the modern male has been characterized as stupid, lazy, incompetent, and clueless. He has been told by banner-toting “equal rights” crusaders that his gender is no longer necessary. He has been called insensitive and sexist, a base jerk who thinks only with his private parts. He has been belittled, degraded and marginalized. In short, our sexist society (biased entirely toward women) has come to define modern masculinity as something inherently flawed because it is not feminine. Make no mistake: Our culture has slapped men in the face.

Asserting your independence means asserting your innate masculine strength, but this doesn’t give you a license to act like a jerk around women, degrade them or in any way treat them badly. Independent men can be nice to women without acting like pushovers; they can assert their manliness while still treating women with respect. But be careful: Many women interpret “nice” as ‘weak” (read: exploitable), so it’s imperative that you maintain a core of strength and put your foot down when she tries to take advantage of your good nature.

The time for the “Menaissance” has come. Although we have granted women their fair share of independence and “empowerment,” they still lack the common sense and emotional maturity to handle these newfound freedoms; it’s like giving a 10-year-old kid a credit card. So it’s up to men to take charge and lead the way. It’s up to us to take back our independence from the female gender. And once we do get it back, we can steer the way to a true equality between the sexes.

It seems like this approach will only lend itself to more of the same. If men are truly the superior sex as some suggest, maybe it's time to quit feeling threatened and actually "give up" a level of power to ensure that both sexes feel equal. The only way to ensure a stalemate is to ensure that both sides achieve equal balance. Or we can just continue to chase the pendulum.

Masculinity "On the Rail"

While my tendency is to hang with "masculine" drinks like a Martini, Bourbon and water or Scotch on the rocks, some of you probably know that my ultimate bar drink is considered a bit "girlie" by some. I've admitted it before but I just can't get enough Mojitos. Always sweet and refreshing. And frowned upon by many of my male friends.

So, I was really interested to see the Wall Street Journal's take on He Drinks, She Drinks in this past weekend's edition. Unfortunately, I can't link to it but wanted to share a few snippets from the article.

Many guys eschew the cocktail list partly because they know what they want before they walk into the bar. But I also think men cling to what they know for a sense of social security - a Jack Daniel's is a safe, embarrassment-free drink, so why order anything else? Thus a vicious circle: With men hesitant to venture onto the cocktail list, menus skew even more heavily toward female tastes.

Women who buck convention and drink gin Martinis or Scotch on the rocks raise no eyebrows - instead they are rightly applauded for the sophistication of their choices. If men think they are being judged by the drinks they order, they're right.

"I made it known to him that I have no regard for him as a man."

Again, a microcosm of the issues men face in broader societal trends. The more insecure we are as men and the more we conform to what others believe we should be, the harder it is for us to break out of traditional male stereotypes.

Listen, I say drink whatever you want. Women get credit for having a refined palate. Men get called whimps. It's time to take back happy hour. Enjoy a Mojito. Savor a fruity drink. Order something different. But, just as a precaution, have them hold the fruit garnish or paper umbrella. That can be embarrassing.

World's Most Addictive Game

Got a note on this today. I've tried to play it a few times. The rumor is that the game is used to help keep Air Force pilots sharp. I have no idea as to the validity of that. But, I know those of you reading this blog should be glad that I'm not the pilot of your next flight.

Game Link